Pseudolutions

Hello, all!

So, there’s this thing that’s been cooking in my brain for the past few weeks, and I need to share it with you, because I think it’s a thing we’ve ALL struggled through at different points in our lives.

Bear with me… The thing I want to share is something I call a…

PSEUDOLUTION

Yes, a pseudolution, and yes, it’s a made up word, like all words.

Pseudolutions are fake solutions we use in a valiant attempt to solve our problems. They’re surface-level “solutions” that don’t actually fix anything and often reinforce our problems.

I’ve broken this down into three categories of pseudolutions I see most often with clients. See if any of these resonate for you:

Cliché Pseudolutions. Cliché pseudolutions are the I-don’t-know-what-else-to-say advice people give us when we talk about something difficult that’s happening for us, but they aren’t generally solutions anyone would actually follow through with. Unfortunately, we offer/accept them anyway because they fill what might otherwise be an uncomfortable period of silence.Some personal favorite cliché pseudolutions of mine are:
“Oh, wow, that’s tough. You should really count your blessings though. It could be way worse.” “Everything happens for a reason.”
“Keep calm and carry on.” (I’m not actually sure what that one even means.)

Self-Defeating Pseudolutions. These are the attempts we make at solving our problems by indirectly facing them, generally by acting one of three ways: aloof, passive aggressive, or overly confrontational.
The aloof self-defeating pseudolution looks like withdrawing from others in an effort to gain the upper hand. Maybe you’re seeking attention from your partner, but instead of approaching them affectionately, you go to bed early without saying why, hoping they’ll follow.
The passive aggressive self-defeating pseudolution is attempting to get what you want with underhanded comments, snide remarks, or subtle but aggressive actions. It looks like leaving a note on the frig instead of asking your roommate to throw out her week-old Chinese takeout.
Finally, there’s the confrontational self-defeating pseudolution. This one is fairly straightforward. Instead of taking a moment to check themselves, the confrontational type blows up on the cashier for giving them incorrect change.

“More of the Same” Pseudolutions. These are my favorite, and they’re tricky, guys. “More of the Same” pseudolutions involve attempting to solve your problems repeatedly using logical means that aren’t working. For example…
Having conversations with your mom about how uncomfortable it makes you when she mentions you not being married yet. She continues to bring this up, often at family gatherings. You don’t like mashed potatoes anymore.
Asking your boss politely but firmly not to call you “sweetie” because it feels demeaning and you are a professional. He brushes this off and does it several times every week.
Attempting to shorten a long-winded and energetically taxing conversation by yawning and mentioning how fatigued you are. The other party doesn’t catch or ignores your not-so-subtle cues and continues talking.

Any of these hitting home?

Now, to the most important part – What to Do Instead

To better solve our problems – big or small – we first need to understand exactly what our problem is, and why it is a problem. Is it that the frig smells, or that our roommate is sloppy? Is it that mom is emphasizing the wrong priorities, or that she’s speaking to our fears? What’s at the heart of the problem? Get specific.

Next, take a look at what you’ve tried so far. Chances are, it falls into one category or another of pseudolution. Maybe you’ve even got your own brand of pseudolution (if so, I’d love to hear about it – comment below). Label what you’ve been doing as a well-intentioned pseudolution and let it go. At the very least, you know what doesn’t work, and that’s helpful.

Finally, choose an approach that is radically different from anything you’ve tried so far. This may be the exact opposite of what you’ve been doing, something that sounds silly, or something that sounds counterintuitive. It may be the thing you’ve dreaded doing, or a thing that’s never occurred to you before.

Movement – action – is the enemy of our struggles. When we try something, we are moving in the direction of solving our problems, no matter how meandering the path may seem. 

<3 Morgan
 
PS, if this post interests you at all, check out Lucy Gill's book, How to Work with Just About Anyone. It's a good read, grounded in research, and accessible whether or not you're a therapist by trade.