Why Teaching Your Children to be “Rude” is Essential to Their Wellbeing

​Warning: This content may be triggering for individuals who have suffered sexual assault in the past. While no details of assault will be discussed, themes related to sexual assault and prevention are prevalent in this post.
 
As a trauma therapist, I spend my days working with clients who have been through some really difficult experiences (to put it lightly). Some of my clients have endured abuse as children, others have been involved in car wrecks, and some reach out to me for help with specific phobias. The majority of my clients, however, come to my office following one or more incidents of sexual assault. Over the years, several pronounced themes have arisen amongst this latter group, many of which I’d like to discuss here at some point, but today I want to focus on a theme I’ve seen crop up in my office several times lately:
 
It’s okay to be rude if you feel physically uncomfortable.
 
Allow me to expand on this point. Many of my clients recall the details of their assaults and point to a moment where they knew something was wrong – perhaps the hair stood up on the back of their neck, or maybe they got a sick feeling in their gut. Maybe they had the impulse to back away, or felt that the person was encroaching on their physical space. At this point in our conversation, clients typically say something along the lines of, “I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid of being rude.”
 
This is the piece that sticks with me on the drive home – “I was afraid of being rude.” 
 
I think about this often and, though I know it to be a psychological cliché, I believe that we learn to interact with the world early on, and primarily from our caregivers. I also believe to my core that most parents and caregivers are well-meaning in the way that they guide the children in their care. Parenting comes in many different flavors, but one thing that all parents could benefit from incorporating into their parenting style is the absolute importance of self-preservation over social niceties. 
 
The ability to function well in society is a useful skill, and I am a proponent of “good manners” in most situations. However, predators often weaponize social norms and use the internal sense of obligation that many people feel towards being “polite” to their advantage. By the time the victim realizes consciously the gravity of the situation, it is often too late. 
 
What does “being rude” look like in these situations? It can take many forms, but a few of my favorites are…
 
“Excuse me. I have somewhere to be.”
“I’m not comfortable with you standing so close to me.”
“Back off.”
“Please leave me alone.”
“You are making me uncomfortable.”
 
The decision to make a quick exit may be the difference in getting home safely and experiencing something profoundly traumatic. Teaching our children to say things like this without guilt is so, so very important – if we normalize self-preservation in childhood, our children will be better prepared to handle dangerous situations as adults. 
 
When given a choice between following their intuition and using “good manners” in potentially unsafe situations, it is my hope that my child – and your child, too – will have the tools and the internal permission to “be rude.”